


though it looks like im still on my own

by emeraldcitydowntowngirl



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy
Genre: Angst, Hiatus, M/M, Unrequited Love, all of my hiatus fics are repetitive im sorry, an au based off of... ryden, super shortish, this is :/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 14:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5420975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emeraldcitydowntowngirl/pseuds/emeraldcitydowntowngirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And maybe he's just so overcome with emotion with this great crowd, that he says the stupidest thing he's ever said in his life. And he's proclaimed his love to Pete before.</p><p>He asks the crowd what song they want to hear him play, thinking that they understand that he means his own songs </p><p>Because he's a people-pleaser who can't shut his fucking mouth.</p><p>(hiatus fic based off of panic! performing "northern downpour" live at bush hall in 2011)</p>
            </blockquote>





	though it looks like im still on my own

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smallghostkid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallghostkid/gifts).



> i miss when you used to write cute and fluffy stuff @me
> 
> ANWUASUSD lili and i were talking about what if this (brendon crying to "northern downpour") happened to patrick during the hiatus and it's her half-birthday and she loves suffer fics so :) i tried! i probably failed but i tried! but i hope you enjoy this suffer, liliananana :'(

Patrick likes being a people-pleaser. Call it a flaw if you will, but nothing makes Patrick happier than happy fans because happy fans equal more people buying his music equal him feeling more validity in his solo career. It's not really a selfless act, pleasing his fans, but Patrick never claimed to be Mother Theresa, did he?

There are some things he won't do, though. He won't tweet at Pete, he won't follow him, he won't talk about Fall Out Boy willingly. Because he has his limit, talking about _Pete_ is where he draws the line. 

It's no lie that Patrick is still in love with him. It's no lie that Pete is married with a baby, either. It's fine, they all needed a break from the band... didn't they?

So, he's performing at a show in the UK. And he's performing his solo songs, and he's having a great time, laughing and throwing his head back and grinding against microphone stands to small (intimate is the word his manager used) crowds, and it feels really refreshing mostly.

Seeing big crowds used to fill him with anxiety, performing in Madison Square Garden and whatnot made his stomach stir and he would just count on Pete to keep the show going, but now, he can talk to the audience and engage with them and it's really... different.

But he needed a change, and this is a _good_ change, even if a lot of people don't like it. Even if the fact that people don't like it makes Patrick a little upset

It's fine, Patrick can settle for feeling like shit sometimes, because that's how he's felt inside since Pete chose Ashlee. It's _fine_.

And maybe he's just so overcome with emotion with this great crowd, that he says the stupidest thing he's ever said in his life. And he's proclaimed his love to _Pete_ before

He asks the crowd what song they want to hear him play, thinking that they understand that he means _his_ own songs.  

Because he's a people-pleaser who can't shut his fucking mouth.

And he's greeted with, naturally, Fall Out Boy songs. Songs with long titles being thrown at him, songs that they've never even played live, but one title gets called out louder than the rest of them

"Saturday!"

And everyone seems to love this idea, so they start chanting it. "Saturday! Saturday!"

His band looks at him with raised eyebrows, because they don't know this song, and Patrick is about to tell the crowd that they can't because his band doesn't know it, or crack a joke about it because, y'know, Saturday is about the worst fucking song they could ask him to perform. But as he opens his mouth to apologize and say no, he looks into the audience and _can't_

"Um... I mean my band doesn't know it but... I could try.. uh, I could try to perform it... acoustic" He stutters out, and the crowd cheers louder. He gives his band a sympathetic look, and one of the crew members brings out an acoustic guitar with a concerned look. Patrick's surprised they even have an acoustic guitar with them.

"Sorry if I don't remember some of the lyrics" He laughs nervously- he remembers all of the lyrics now, but he's afraid he might forget it all and blank out by the time he starts strumming those familiar chords

"Okay..." He steadies himself, strumming absentmindedly, before saying into the microphone, looking out to the eager and ecstatic fans. He hopes they don't notice how bad he's sweating.

"I guess... this is Saturday"

It's soft, it's not a song that should be screamed from rooftops, now that he's playing it acoustic. It's _sad_ and people begin to notice this quickly. It's not a song that Patrick can laugh through and miss lyrics to anymore cause everyone is focused on Pete- this is a _kind of a love song_ and everyone can hear every note and every lyric. Some people sing along, and some cheer, but it's a little more quiet.

" _I'm good to go, though it looks like I'm still on my own_ " It's terribly somber, it's slow and it's sad and it makes Patrick want to smash his guitar and crash his car. But he gets through it... kind of.

He changes the lyric to "He and I" cleverly, because he can't sing the name Pete and everything is moving smoothly. Or as smooth as it can be, with his quivering voice and shaking hands.

" _And I read about the afterlife, but I never really lived_ " He envisions Pete next to him, his body flush against his, screaming into his microphone, and he _yearns_ for Pete suddenly, and he can't stop singing and thinking about Pete, about Pete's smile and his humor and his passion, and god, Pete loved this song and...

Patrick doesn't notice it until the audience becomes blurry and he feels wetness on his cheek... and his voice breaks on " _Me and Pete_ "

He feels incredibly stupid as he sniffles and keeps going, before stopping at right before he sings Pete's name again. The audience is sort of horrified and they look so sorry for Patrick, because no one thought Patrick would start _crying_

His laugh is wet when he chokes out "Woah, I'm sorry" and he wipes away rapid tears, looking back to the audience. He's clearly embarrassed, but he just wipes his face again and quickly finishes the song, his voice tearful and quiet " _When these open doors were open-ended... Saturday, Saturday_ "

When he finishes, the audience just claps and someone yells out "I love you Patrick! Stay strong!" and he almost throws up right then and there, because the last thing he wants people to feel is sympathy towards Patrick. He doesn't want anyone to know what happened between him and Pete, and last Patrick checked, Joe, Andy, nor Pete cried over him so...

But he just smiled and gives the guitar back to the crew member, not looking at her in the face. And the rest of the band comes out and they play a couple of songs, and that's the end of that, except everyone watches Patrick with caution and Patrick has this gross plastered on smile the rest of the concert

No one bothers him when he cries on the bus, in his bunk, which actually isn't as rare of an occasion as one would think. He actually does a lot of that lately, just _cry_ which is super pathetic, but it's whatever, right?

The video that someone took is already on the Internet and people are already talking about it, and people are tweeting at him, some angry that Patrick would _dare_ sing _Pete's_ song (which, by the way, Patrick wrote almost all of the lyrics to that song, so...), some feeling sympathy for Patrick and tweeting him encouragement. But one thing that Patrick doesn't anticipate is his phone ringing, and it's Pete calling.

His heart starts pounding in his chest, and he turns around so that he can wipe the tears away from his face quickly, answering the phone "Hello?"

"I miss you, 'Trick" Pete breathes out, on the other line. He adds with a nervous laugh "I miss you a lot" Wow. What a greeting. It's so incredibly Pete that it instantly makes Patrick's heart ache.

He sounds tired, Patrick notices immediately- his words are slurred but he doesn't sound drunk either. Patrick gulps.

"Yeah. Me too" Silence.

It's not the first time Pete and Patrick have talked over the hiatus, because they have mutual friends. But still, it's as awkward as ever- it makes Patrick a little sick, and makes him think back to years ago when he could talk to Pete about everything and anything, how there were silences in their conversations, but they were comfortable and not so... cringe worthy.

"I... saw that _thing_ and-"

"Listen, I'm really sorry about it-" Patrick's voice breaks again and tears begin falling again, so he just pauses, and Pete clears his throat.

"It's fine, I'm not _mad_ about it, I just-"

Patrick let's out a shuddering breath "It was dumb. A-and you don't have to worry about it, it just kind of slipped my mind and.... yeah"

"Patrick... You know I'm always here for you, right?"

No, he's really _not_.

"Uh, yeah. I guess" Some more silence. Patrick sniffles just as Pete starts talking again "I know it doesn't really _seem_ like it, but I'm always here for you, fuck, I don't want it to _be_ like this anymore, I want to talk to you and I fucking hate... Fuckin hate how we aren't even, like, friends anymore"

Patrick scoffs at that- it must be easy being Pete, just being able to drop whatever happened between them, and Pete doesn't know how difficult even this conversation is because Patrick is in love and lonely and Pete would never love him back and it's just _difficult_

"Yeah. Me too. But... we need some _time_ " Patrick says, even if he misses Pete like hell. ' _It's for the better_ ' rings in his head.

"You don't tell me anything anymore, I miss you, jesus fucking Christ, I miss you, I have so many lyrics and ideas and my head feels like it's gonna explode and you aren't there and _fuck_ needing time, it's us! We don't... we're a team, Rick" He gets out in one breath, before laughing breathlessly "We're a team, nothing feels right without you. Bebe's already fed up with me and it's only been a year, and fuck, you  _understand_ me like no one else does. Not even  _Ashlee_ can deal with me anymore" Patrick winces at the mention of Ashlee's name, and he feels even worse about himself now that Pete is rambling and getting hysterical. This is the man Patrick chose to fall stupidly in love with. The guy who calls him after months of radio silence and rants about his life in a minute

"Pete, _please_. Just... give me some time to sort things out, okay?" Pete whines on the other line, before saying in a quiet voice "Okay... I can do that. Just... don't be a stranger anymore, okay? I love you"

"Okay. Bye" Patrick hangs up immediately after, and buries his head in his pillow- because screw Pete for saying that phrase so easily and having it not mean a thing, but he falls asleep with it ringing in his head. 

Patrick doesn't know it, but things  _do_  get better for them- but for now, they're going nowhere fast. 

**Author's Note:**

> EEEEEEEEEEEE sorry for that horrible ending!


End file.
